013 : A Journey Without a Map with John Sardella

Today, my guest is John Sardella, author of A Journey Without a Map.

I had the chance to read his book, and was taken aback by how parallel his journey was to my own.

His wife endured seven years battling cancer, and experienced the difficulties of loving someone who is dying.

When we sat down to chat, the comfortability in our similarities was astounding.

As a lacrosse coach instructor, and a former principal, he brings an amazing outlook on life, even when navigating loving someone with a disease.

You come to realize very quickly how both fragile and precious our lives really are.

Here's our chat.

JohnSardella.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Let's step back a little. Take a look inside our true self. Get comfortable in the uncomfortable. And let's embrace our reality. Life is tough. But so are you. Welcome to the Choose Your Attitude Podcast with Nick Alystrian. Join Nick, author of Living Someone Who's Dying, as he shares his experiences of life late to life on the road as a traveling roadie. Today's guests will get into real topics while encouraging you to let go of the past, lift up the present, and fiercely build your better tomorrow. Let's get through this together. Now, here's your host, Nick Strand.

SPEAKER_03 0:44

Hey, welcome to the Choose Your Attitude Podcast, where we discuss real life stuff, learn to master the only aspects we can control in life, and use it as a tool to make today the best day of your life. Every morning we wake up with a choice to make. What attitude are you going to create your life with today? We chat with people of all walks of life, people sharing their own stories and tips of some of life's most difficult journey. There is no proper way to do this correctly besides talking about it and walking through the process. No matter how difficult it may be. So let's train the elephant in the room together. But first, a word from our sponsors. Are you looking for some much-needed motivation? Maybe a new way to feel inspired. We know that life is tough, but so are you. Finding that perfect shirt you've been dreaming of is a tough journey. But we have you covered. That's why we are here with Choose Your Attitude Apparel. Wear it with confidence and remind yourself you're choosing a way to success. It is a constant reminder that you can share with others, join the Choose Your Attitude community, and share an attitude of style that others will want to be a part of. So get yours now at ChooseYourAttitude.com. Would you like to be a sponsor on the Choose Your Attitude Podcast? Reach out to us at podcast at chooseyourattitude.com. Today, my guest is John Sardello, author of A Journey Without a Map. I got the chance to read his book and was set back by how parallel his journey was to mine. He shared his journey of walking with his wife through a seven-year battle of cancer and the difficulties around loving someone who is dying. When we sat down to talk, we couldn't feel more comfortable in our similarities. He, as a lacrosse croach instructor and a former principal, provides an amazing aspect to life: loving someone with a disease and how fragile our lives are. Here's our chat. Alright, I am excited uh to have John Sardella. Uh welcome to the show. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

Thanks, Nick. I appreciate the invite.

SPEAKER_03 3:01

Yeah, John uh he wrote a book called A Journey Without a Map. Um it's got a beautiful cover, a boat uh on this path of a river that you're kind of headed down. Um I was surprised as I read the book, and I I don't want to say surprised, but it was very warm and comforting uh to feel the parallels of both of our struggles and the journey we've both went through. Um I'm gonna let you kind of uh give a little quick synopsis of that um and let you tell a little bit of that through your words.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

Sure. Well, I lost my wife about three and a half years ago. And when I lost my wife, what ended up happening is um, you know, I I was scrambled inside my head, and I had a lot of thoughts. You know, before she passed away and we were going on our journey, um, everything was always at the forefront. It was always right here in the, you know, in my forehead, in the forefront of my head, saying, okay, what's today bring? What's going to happen? I was always thinking about her, I was thinking about the kids, I was thinking about, you know, what are the next steps? You know, I go home, how's she doing? How's she feeling? And after she passed away, then everything got scrambled in some of my head. You know, after she passes, you go numb. You have so many thoughts, you have so many ideas, you have so many things that are going on that you need to somehow share those. I went into, you know, I worked with a therapist after eight months, and we talked it out, and it really was very helpful. And I haven't really connected with my therapist in a long time, but you know, every once in a while I did reach out to her, you know, in the past uh I say year and a half, but in the last six months I haven't really connected with her. But being able to share verbally was important, but it didn't really solve what I needed to do. And when I started writing my words down, and my publisher ended up saying, Your story's actually you, John. You know, it's a bunch of stories, but it's threaded through your experience with your wife for the past 10 years. You know, that's how we're going to write it. That's how you need to write this and need to share your ideas. So I took a lot of the stories that I had and my experiences and I threaded them through the book. And the book basically starts with the funeral experience and what it was like with thousands of people at the funeral in the wake and showing up. Um, we were very public people, being educators in the community, and people were there, and I wanted to make sure that we gave people permission that it was okay to grieve themselves. And so, therefore, the first chapter is called It's It's Going to Be Okay. And when you give them permission, they're able to move forward as myself, you know, is able to move forward. And then the next chapter is about the color of yellow and the power of yellow. And my wife loved yellow, and everybody wore yellow for special treatment that she had. And as she as they wore yellow, it really inspired her, it made her happy, it made her sad at the same time. But it was extremely powerful. And at the funeral, at the wake, everybody wore yellow. Uh, my brother-in-law, who I finally found out who had the who sent the hundred roses um to the church, uh, that was my brother-in-law, and I didn't know that until after the book was written. And my sister-in-law said, Well, you know who did that? It was Todd. And I was like, Oh, well, that's that's a beautiful thing that he did, and he just did it quietly. And then I talk about others who, you know, have gone through um the loss of Margaret, her dear friends, my children, and it's called Those Left Behind. So the first half of the book is really about Margaret and the impact that she's had on all of us. And then the second half of the book is about moving forward and can and the connections that I had to help me to move forward. And even when I was going through the experience of being able to connect with people like the gentleman I coached with Mike Felice, and the importance of who he was and how he had an impact on my life because he had similar experiences, losing his mother young, battling cancer himself. And he's 20 years younger than me, but it seems like he's appeared to me because he just gets it.

SPEAKER_03 7:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

And then chapter five is about moving forward and the important things about what I have to do. I have to have a purpose every day, and I have to make sure that I do it for others. And then the last chapter is about the legacy you leave behind and the power of that. And, you know, we're both talking and we're leaving a legacy about what we experienced, but we're also trying to make a difference for others. And that's what's most important about a legacy you leave behind. And so once I wrote that book, and after I shared the words, it was very cathartic to the point where even six months ago, I was a different person who I am today. Because once the book came out, it it has um it has achieved a lot of what I envisioned of connecting with people, having conversations, helping and supporting others. And and because I was able to write it down and get my story out, people can relate to it, they can understand it, and it's been extremely helpful for myself and for others.

SPEAKER_03 8:09

I I I couldn't agree more. Um, and when I when I said parallel, um I mean the dates almost are identical. Oh wow. Um, and uh when I say dates, obviously not days uh in the exact day, but the years as far as our lineup. Um Brianna and I's relationship was 10 years um and uh she had cystic fibrosis her whole life, but that struggle was 10 years. Um and I I believe uh uh it was about seven-year battle that you and uh your wife Margaret had uh with cancer. Um and and to feel the warmth, uh like you said, um to know that it's somebody else, you know, to go through it. Um and you you say a very powerful word as as you explained it, and that's permission. Um and it it's a funny word because we shouldn't need to feel permission to feel. It's an interesting world we live in with this type of um because death is kind of this um uh monster, if you will, that is is hard to acknowledge in that permission. Um can you kind of explain on your in your words kind of you know how you went through that and found um that that confidence um to build through kind of that unknown of this journey, um, in addition to kind of you know how you explain it in the book?

SPEAKER_01 9:54

Well, I don't know if it's actually the confidence, but it's just the understanding and having the ability to um to understand what you're going through. And as you go through it, that it's all part of life and it's all part of the journey. And as you do that, you also prioritize what's most important. And as you prioritize what's most important, you realize that you know, your faith family and friends, your integrity and who you are doing the right thing, those are really the key components of how I live and who I am. And by giving myself, and as I've grown and as I've gotten to the point where I have that balance in my life, and I lost that for a period of time with Margaret's loss, but I am definitely getting better with that and getting closer with it. Not that I have a relationship with somebody, but at the same time, I'm more balanced out because I understand it, I'm healing more, the whole is still there and it will always be there in my heart. But at the same time, it's I'm giving myself permission as I gain those strengths of those important characteristics of life. And then as you prioritize, prioritize and you make sure you focus on what's most important, that gives you the ability to move forward because you have the confidence through that, but also you have the ability to share with others it's okay to move forward. It you don't have to get stuck, and a lot of people do get stuck and they become victims of what they're experiencing. And yeah, well, you know, one of two ways to go. You're standing on a fence, you either can fall the right way or you can fall the wrong way. And the wrong way is really having that self-pity and that that the that point of victimization that is unnecessary, but at the same time, you can fall on the other way and make a difference. But as you know, we carry on the legacy of the people we love. And as we, you know, I say love, I don't say loved because we still love them. And the reality of that is as we continue to move forward, it's powerful, and it gives you the permission to give others permission to say, it's okay, I'm living my life, I want you to live your life.

SPEAKER_03 12:07

And and I think, you know, one thing I I've noticed through my journey, and you kind of you said the same thing, and and it's kind of like you said that that try not to play victim, and it's difficult. And and I I think you kind of exemplified this too in the book, that it's not about finding an answer, more so about allowing yourself and giving yourself the permission to actually feel and to process those feelings to then feel more confident in where you stand, even inside that pain of the absence, and trying to figure out I I wrote down here uh a couple words of of kind of that panic. Um, you know, when when you lose somebody, you you things change, and so it's not the same. Um, and so trying to figure out and and sort through those emotions, and um and I wanted to kind of exemplify that in a bit of you know, being able to stand inside those emotions and process them as opposed to pushing them aside. And I think that's one thing you exemplified in the book, and that you're kind of exemplifying now, is that being able to process that, and as you do that, it then allows you the ability to then discuss with others and helping you get through and never and like you said, there it's always a there's never gonna be a heal, like you're never gonna be healed from it, it's a constant battle. Um but going through that journey, you also you lost your father, you lost your mother, um, and so all this has disappeared. Um to not only go through this journey by yourself, but then also to lean on other people, how has that experience kind of been for you in trying to um gain a strong footing for yourself? Um, because I know those relationships change as well.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

Yeah, I'm glad you asked that question. That's a great question. Um I ever since I became a teacher and an educator and a coach, I realized that I had I had abilities to be a leader. And as a leader, you're always trying to help and support and motivate others. Everybody needs to be led, like I said before, but at the same time, people need to have support. And leadership comes in all different forms. It comes in with you being sympathetic to whatever they're going through. It comes to, you know, trying to push and motivate and push the right button in a child to be able to be the best lacrosse player that they possibly can be, the best student that they can be. Um, and so I pride of myself and I read a lot of literature about leadership and relationships. And what I found is as I read about things about uh leadership, it always came down to two things: communication and relationships. And if you have positive relationships and you're able to communicate properly with others, it's amazing how far that goes. As I built to where my father was, and and upon his passing in 2002, what happened was my father and I had a fantastic relationship. I drove him nuts growing up. I was the youngest out of four kids, and I drove him nuts because he knew the potential that I had. And the reality of that, though, we had a very close relationship because I probably was closest in personality to who he was. And the thing is, though, he always tried to achieve the best and the most he could. Now he passed away at 73 years old, and to me that was young for him because he has siblings who literally are in their hundreds who are still alive today. And what happened was when my father passed, it gave me a better understanding that it was a generational death. It was somebody who died in the progression of generations and how deaths usually do take place, that so-called norm. And then when he passed away, that really did give me a better understanding of when Margaret started going through her experience. And as Margaret started going through her experience, what it did was my father passed away from cancer too. And he battled cancer for a number of years, and it progressed and it and it metastasized to his lever. And so, therefore, it was some very similar that I saw a lot of similarities. And even upon her passing, I saw a lot of similarities until she closed her eyes and went to sleep. And the the reality of that is that past experience gave me the experience to be able to say, I understand Margaret and what happened. Now, with my mother, it was sad to watch because of the fact that she watched my father pass, but then she didn't really do a lot for herself to continue to grow. When my father died, a lot of her died. And the reality of it is she became a loner, she stayed in the house, she wouldn't go out, she wouldn't do things. And upon her passing, while I was writing the book, actually, um, I actually felt relief for her. And I smiled upon her passing instead of crying because I understood she was going to be with my dad, and it was a positive thing in my world. And as much as she was gone, I also knew that she would be happier upon being in heaven with my father. And so what happened was through all of that, the relationships that were around me were the people that supported me in the sense of um, just hey, let's go out for a beer or let's go grab something to eat. And we didn't have to talk about what I was experiencing, but what I did would know that they were there for me and I could talk about anything. And if it got to a point where I need to speak about, hey, I got to get this off my mind, you know, I just have to talk about Margaret and what she's currently going through, I was able to do it. But many times Margaret and I, we had those conversations privately and we had them together because the only person Margaret truly would talk to was me about it as I was trying to talk to her. And, you know, she did have individual conversations once in a while with others, but it was a very private experience that the two of us went through together, and we held hands together and we, you know, we were one when she passed. And the reality of that was as much as there were others supporting us and the experiences that I had going through death with others, it definitely helped me to understand as we moved forward with Margaret and her situation.

SPEAKER_03 18:33

I think um you you Brian and I called those pillow talks, where where you know we had those discussions of death um and and they became normal. Um, and you know in in this um battle, um, you know, you're a father of three, um, you've you've got you know people around you, and in the book, you it reminded me a lot of the tenure watching her, I don't want to use the word decay because that I feel like is a very negative, but that's the word that's coming to my head. But I as as she as you could see Margaret kind of go through the journey, um, and your sense of um uh uh realization where you're headed in the panic of trying to uh provide to her confidence, um, be a father to your kids, and um you had discussed in there too about trying to find that line of when it is time to share you know this with the kids, um, because you know, as you know, it's it's difficult to know where this is going. Um, in addition to the communication with people around you through the journey of informing them and helping them through it. Um how did that kind of go for you and what were some things that you kind of pulled from that now stepping outside of that? Because I know inside it's it's a battle, and you're just you know doing what you can to survive. And then I know in writing the book for me too, you were able to kind of process that.

SPEAKER_01 20:14

Um what are some things that you can kind of pull from that that you know the biggest thing that I pulled from it was the importance of taking every day one day at a time. You know, not really looking to the future, you know, looking at one day at a time and what do you have to accomplish today? And it was based on how she was doing. And as she struggled more and more within the last six months of her life, I had more conversations with others saying you have to be prepared for this. And as much as I try to, you know, prepare people like her, some of her siblings, um, her friends, some of the other people around us, uh they they they never ever wanted to say anything like, oh yeah, I know she's going to be gone. They always looked at hope. She they always looked at the positive side of things. But I was really trying to be just practical because the October before she actually passed, um, I came, I had an epiphany and said, Yeah, she's going to be probably gone soon. And you know, three months later she passed. Um, those conversations were very important, but I took them day by day and I made sure that I was open and available for anybody who wanted to have the conversations with me. There were times that I had individual conversations with my kids. You know, my kids are my number one priority. Today we have the closest relationships. You know, I'm so close with my three kids, and now my future son-in-law, my oldest daughter's getting married next month. Um, that we're just a tight-knit group. Not just four of us, but five of us now. And the conversations I would have would be would be more individually with my oldest daughter, my son at times. Uh my youngest daughter, not as much. Um, but the reality of that was I took it day by day and I just try to figure out, yeah. Today, I think I'm probably going to have to make some phone calls or I'm going to have to connect with people and I'm going to have to navigate this a little differently and things like that. Um, you know, I I also had to make sure that I took care of myself. And um, as I took care of myself, you know, that was as simple as, you know, just getting a little bit of exercise, um, going to work, trying to focus on the job at hand, you know, as a principal, uh, making sure that I'm home and I'm sitting with Margaret and I'm there for her, whatever she needs. You know, the last couple years before she passed, I really became the chef of the house and you know, took on more responsibility with the day-to-day responsibilities of, you know, making sure that a house is in order. And I pride myself on that because, you know, today I'm pretty self-independent because of that. Um, so the bottom line is it really was a day-to-day thing.

SPEAKER_03 22:49

I I I think that is important because I I do know that that was one hard thing, is uh whenever you you know when look outside that day, it was a bit of a panic for me, especially. Um, in your journey to kind of go through you know reaching out to the support and and talking to other people, um did you find that it was there was some res you you discussed, you know, family having the hope and and you know wanting to be so-called positive. Um in my journey, one of the things I I saw was the positive was actually more in being able to address the reality to create kind of that plan and and to build a better structure of comfort through it, as opposed to, you know, suppressing the inevitable. Um so I guess what I'm asking is is going through that process, how did you deal with you know hearing some of the frustration or maybe the hurt of that resistance when you did become um uh real uh with family and and because I mean as a husband, you're inside of the the struggle. Uh um and and I think that's one thing that many people outside don't see um because there is a lot of of suppression in a sense of hiding some of the reality because of that conflict. Um, but how did you internally battle that and go through that? Um and you know, what were some ways that you kind of made that successful?

SPEAKER_01 24:32

Well, what I did was when I was sharing with others, I would share, and uh what would happen is I would let them respond the way they needed to respond. I would I, you know, I would say you just need to be prepared. It's basically as far as I would go saying, you need to understand this, you know, this is really going to happen. I just always said you need to be prepared, you need to be ready for this, you know. And I'm here, you know, I'll talk to you, I'll keep you in the loop, I'll do whatever. And that was a close-knit handful of people, you know, her sister, her friends, you know, just not a lot of people. Um but I let them respond the way they need to respond because everybody responds to death or challenges in a different way. Everybody grieves differently. And so I have to give people space because there's not one set model to do that. And that came from experience that I had actually as a principal, because as a leader, I had to share with staff sometimes when you know I had a staff member's daughter die at 18 years old from cancer, and I had to bring staff together and I had to share it with them. Whoa, that's powerful. So I had to make sure that as a leader, I was there and available for them. And I used to say to them, You do what you need to do to help yourself. I'm here to help you and help each other. Um, I had an experience when I was a principal at another school where my librarian actually was murdered, and we had to go through that, and I had to shit happen that night, and then that morning I had to bring my staff together and I had to share with them. And I watched 60 people meld in front of my eyes. Yeah, it was brutal. But I also said, You need to grieve or get through this as you know how to do it. But I'm here to help, I'm here to support, help each other out. Cleared my schedule for a month and said, Hey, whatever you need, take time if you need time. So through experiences, I came to the conclusion that I need to share, but everybody reacts differently.

SPEAKER_03 26:41

So uh here in the um, you know, being able to communicate and and um ease people through that experience. Um, and I think, you know, one thing I've I've heard you say too is help. Um and and you know, to provide it and to also get it. Um one thing that I've noticed is uh is I've seen uh sometimes when you don't know, because this is a journey that you know it it it kind of um It's a journey without a map, yeah, exactly. Um just like your your book. Um and and we don't really discuss it, and so all of a sudden it happens. Um and it seems that when we're uncomfortable with this, it's kind of like that elephant in the room. And when people try to feel like they're gonna help, sometimes it's them retreating to their own comfort zone and and suppressing um the ability to actually help. And I would say, so this question is kind of more for you and trying to receive it, but um it I'm assuming when when you you did this, one thing you you had mentioned in the book is there was the people that showed up, but then there was the people that were consistent, and that that you know there was no question whether they were gonna answer the phone, there was no question whether they were going to challenge your feelings, um that they were always there. Um can you kind of describe that as you living inside that, but then also as a way for others that have a family member uh and watching this kind of happen and and them trying to provide help um, you know, as a as a way to kind of uh share that experience and some insight?

SPEAKER_01 28:35

Well, I think it it comes down to the relationship. Um, you know, I shared with you earlier uh before we even started recording about a very close friend of mine. Um and with that close friend, I I had a group of eight guys that we basically have grown up together. Uh two of them, I went to kindergarten together. The others were I was in elementary and I might have met them in fourth grade. Uh others I met in middle school, but we've had relationships for 50 years. And it's kind of that unconditional love that you have for somebody, and that when you have that unconditional love, you accept them for who they are. And as you accept them for who they are, you're willing to, you know, have those challenges, you know, have those conversations, bust each other's chops, you know, laugh out loud, but you know, show every emotion together because that's who you are. And when you have those kind of relationships, then you're able to be uh more true to yourself and who you are, and they can be more true to themselves. Um, and as for family, it's the same thing, you know, it's unconditional love. Uh, you know, I I had a great relationship with my wife, and it was unconditional love. And, you know, when you have that unconditional love, whether it's in a relationship with you know, family or whether it's with friends, it's amazing how powerful that is because those are going to be the true people that will be there for you. And they will be there before and they will be there after. Yeah, and that's what I found it was the most important. And I talk about and Lude in the book that it's not about the quantity of friends, it's about the quality of friends and having the right friends around you.

SPEAKER_03 30:10

Yep. Um I I would I completely agree with all of that. Um, it it the other question I was going to ask too is in your experience, um, we all are in a different cycle. Um, as you say in the book, um, you know, life goes on, the world keeps spinning. Um, and so you could sit there for days, but the world continues. And so, like you said, looking at it day by day to keep building and trying to find ground. Um, but being the husband who lives inside of this as opposed to those outside who have a family and have a little bit more that is not lost, should I say. And I say that respectfully because everybody did lose, right? Or not lose, but they um there's an emptiness. They all have a part of somebody that they lost. You lost your wife, your kids lost their mother, um, her sisters lost sister. Uh but as a husband, there's I think a little bit more of an aggressive uh um acceptance of reality of having to move on because as you said in the book, coming home to um a home that's kind of the description the the value of home has changed because there's an emptiness where you know family members and such still have that home, they have you know their husband or somebody close to them. Um so I guess describing that a little bit of did you have any of those type of difficulties and kind of going through those battles? Um and I know that's kind of a hard question, and um if you no, that's a that's a great question, Nick.

SPEAKER_01 32:01

It's a great question. It's not a question that I get asked a lot. So I'm I you know you you've done a nice job with your questioning. I really appreciate that. Um what I found was the connection that I had with other couples, a lot of them have gone away. And significant others, and as they have their significant others, um, they still have like that traditional family intact. I didn't like being the third wheel. I was able to be that with my close friend Dave and Robin because they were extremely close. They were there, they were constantly there, and I'm okay with hanging out with them. Uh, they even bought a place down in Naples, Florida. So when I travel down to Naples, they actually travel down to Naples too, and we go out together, and it's very normal for me. So if we go out and it's the three of us, not a big deal to me because I'm very close with both of them. Others, though, I definitely feel like a third wheel and it's not comfortable for me. Um, it was less comfortable three years ago, where now um it's limited. I still um kind of struggle with it. And the reason why I struggle with it because I think it triggers some emotions that I'm not always prepared to uh handle well, in the sense of, you know, maybe getting emotional and crying or you know, needing to walk away. Um, you know, I I can do it with my close friends and their wives, uh, but I really don't do it with any other people. I very seldom uh am the third wheel. Uh and I I found that that's probably one of the hardest things to move forward with because of the fact that um right now, you know, I'm not a person who wants a relationship with somebody else. I'm very content with having my kids around me and friends around me and being able to move over forward that way. Um, but I really find that if I did have a partner, I think it would be strange for me. I think it would be strange for a lot of others. And I don't know how well that would go with other people, too, because you know, especially my close friends, they knew Margaret so well. Um, but yeah, that's one of the biggest challenges that I've faced.

SPEAKER_03 34:15

I I think um in the book, one of the things you you used for that is uh balance. Um you you you lose balance, and um everybody has a different form of comfort with that person. Um I know that when I lost my mom, um there was there was balance lost. But um it's amazing that I and uh I'm using my experience uh to describe this, but um it's amazing what we don't realize when you do find that love of your life for that partner, how much they are involved. And once that disappears, no matter how much or how well you've prepared, um the shock is is um pretty extreme. And um it's for me, it's three years, and I I I still find moments where it's like, wow, the you know, these wit the wheels are kind of you know not spinning properly. So to find purpose again um is a is a different value uh as a husband as you try to uh you know figure out how to to fill in those gaps of that you used to have of coexistence. Um how did you kind of go through that? And how did you and how are you still going through that? Um and and dealing with some of the um I like to call it a scab that'll never heal. Uh it bleeds at times, and you just learn how to, you know, kind of stop it from bleeding. But um kind of that whole Yeah, you navigate it better.

SPEAKER_01 35:57

You navigate it better, and um, well, I think it's twofold actually. You know, you you talked about purpose. Uh I lived the world of being an educator. I was a teacher for 16 years, I was a um principal for 15 years, I was a coach for over 30 years, and I still coach a little bit too now. Um, but I had a I walked away from that, and every day I made a difference for kids. I made a difference for the people I led, for adults. And so Margaret passes, then I retire. Now I'm going through life going, holy cow, I what is my true purpose? Um, what I found is with my wife's passing, my true purpose is my family. Still exists, my kids. Uh, whatever I can do for my children, I'm going to do for my children. And like I said, our relationship's closer now than it's ever been. And we've always had great relationships, a great relationship. Um, you know, my wife was very close with my kids, I'm very close with my kids, but it's even closer now going through the ads. I also feel that my kids know how to prioritize what's important in life because of what their experience. You know, when Margaret was diagnosed, they were in uh you know, junior year of high school, ninth grade, and you know, sixth grade. So the reality is they learned young and they learned what was important in life. The other side of purpose is what can I do to help others? And I've been able to find that through this book and through my writing and through connecting people like you, you know, doing podcasts and doing interviews and doing even a book signing or you know, going and speak to a group of people. I feel that energy and it's a positive energy, and it's that mentor-mentee relationship that you have. And sometimes it's important for a mentee, but sometimes it's even more important for the mentor. And that's what I feel. So my purpose as I move forward has been twofold with my family, and of course, with my writing.

SPEAKER_03 37:52

So uh you you you make a huge point there, and I I feel the exact same way, and I think it's a point to mention, is is like you said, um, a teacher in school uh used to always tell me that you don't know something until you can teach it. Um, because you you have to look at it outside of yourself in a perspective. And I couldn't agree more to what you said about how important it is for a mentee, but even more so how important it is for a mentor. Uh, because you create a little sense of vulnerability where you put yourself out there and by teaching others and walking through it with others, you're actually going through a process yourself and being able to, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:36

It's it's the highest level of understanding. Yep. You know, it's really using your cognitive ability to be able to process it and critically think as you go through and you work with people. It's it has substance behind it, and it has true substance substance and deep substance, and that's why you get satisfaction out of it.

SPEAKER_03 38:56

I I I would even make that even more to say inspiration or encouragement um or even uplifting, because you know, just by speaking with you, you know, it it it's what reminds me that A, I'm not alone, B, life is you're doing a good job. You're going through the feelings, no matter how bad that day may be, you're doing it, and that's what's important. Um, and one thing in the book I I wrote down is um you put this quote up on your mirror.

SPEAKER_02 39:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:30

Um and uh it it it it kind of hit me because um Brianna loved quotes. Um she put them on refrigerator and it was one of the things that everybody loved. Um I'm gonna read the quote. It says, Every day I wake up, I have a choice to make. Do I want to have a good day or do I want to have a bad one? Do I want to be sad, mad, have self-pity, or do I want to be happy? I have to make I have made the decision that I will have good days because that is the responsibility I have to my wife, to my kids, to my friends, and to all the people around me. I think that is um that's huge.

SPEAKER_01 40:13

Um it it gave me focus when she first passed. And I used to read it every day when I woke up. But then I wasn't I didn't have to put on my mirror anymore. I could take it down because it's how I lived. And so that quote turned into who I was and helped give me that purpose every single day. But what I found was being responsible for myself and doing things helped others around me know that I'm moving forward and I'm in a better place every single day. And I think it helped them. You know, they didn't want to see their friend, their their their brother, you know, they don't want to see that person fall down. They want to see that person keep getting up. And so that's what happened. I just kept getting up every single day.

SPEAKER_03 41:01

I think I think one of the things that I think is huge uh from that, um, I I I have I have a quote here from Brianna, choose your attitude, create your life. Uh Brianna wrote it, um, and that's my daily quote. Um, but one thing that I get from this, and I actually in my life have had a really difficult time um with people receiving it. Um and when I say that, um, and I I I think you would understand this too, is that I I found it interesting um when people will ask me for about these tattoos, and I I share exactly what they are, but I share it with a smile. And I see confusion in face because A, you're talking about someone who's dead, and I use that word, and and in my heart it kind of breaks because dead just it it it it feels like a negative word.

SPEAKER_02 41:55

Correct.

SPEAKER_03 41:56

Um but at the same time I say it with a smile, and those two things really to some are confusing. Um and I think one thing that's powerful about this quote and and what I have as well, and where I see the relation is you're taking pain and using it in a positive sense to live. Um can you kind of touch into that a little bit? Um, and and the reason why I'm I'm bringing that up is just to kind of remind people that um it it's less about walking out with a smile but more about feeling confident in your reality.

SPEAKER_01 42:42

Well, what we all take this journey in life, and as you take this journey in life, and I see this in you, is you want to every day you want to make yourself better, no matter what challenges that you're going to go through. When you are given a high-level challenge of like death with your wife, like what we've experienced, you're hoping that whatever you have done throughout your life has helped you prepare for those challenges. And even though the challenges that we have, we wouldn't want to wish it on anybody. And on our worst enemy, we want to want to wish it upon. And no matter how much you prepare for it, and as much as you're ready for that next step of life, you're not totally ready. But you're better prepared if you didn't grow within your whole lifetime. You know, I have 57 years of life. Um, I'm a little older than you are. But look at we're having the same conversation. We understand each other, and therefore, I think that the only difference is that I just have more years than you do, and I have more years of growth. You're going to continue to go in that direction. And as you continue to go in that direction, you're going to be amazed 20 years from now when you look back to say, Wow, the person I'm today. Is completely different than the person I was 20 years ago because of your life experiences and your continual um mindset of continual growth of body and mind. And as you do that, it's amazing how much that helps other people as you become strong, you become confident, and you're able to go through and make a difference in life.

SPEAKER_03 44:26

I I um uh completely agree. Um, and and I think I I could even relate this to um uh kind of going back a little bit and and talking about how uh with Brianna it was cystic fibrosis and she used that as her strength and confidence. Um with you and Margaret, uh it was cancer. Um and although it was something that was um in the book, from what I read, it was something that um challenged you, it also seemed to inspire and encourage you uh to kind of um take for granted of today and make it the best. Um and I was amazed not amazed, I was actually warmfelt. Um I actually have a chapter in my book called Quality Over Quantity, and you actually mentioned the exact same thing. Um and I want to touch on that and and hear from you uh a little bit into that on you know the fight of cancer, but then at the same time, you know, from us post using the pain as uh inspiration and encouragement to live every day to the fullest, that quality over quantity, but then even going back to that journey of using something to most on the outside would see it as devastating, but as a way to fulfill you know that day and make it, you know, using that pain for strength.

SPEAKER_01 46:00

Well, I think the challenge like desistic fibrosis, like cancer, um as the negative connotation of those things are only the perspective that people want to see. And the reality of it is there's so many people like have cancer who say, you know, oh my lord, this is a death sentence. And the reality of it is there are a lot of people who live, they get through that challenge, they move forward. But as they continue to move forward, they also try to still bring in self-pity with it instead of saying, no, I'm going to use it more as a motivational tool. What I found in the positives of my wife being diagnosed was the relationship that I had for the next seven years, we even got closer than we ever thought we could get. I was by her side constantly. I went to every doctor's visit, with the exception of a couple, because I, you know, maybe a friend or her sister would go. Um, but we were in it together. And Margaret, I never wanted her to feel like she was going to be alone in this. And as we had that experience, it's a real experience, Nick. You went through a real experience. You, you know, you're like your your wife said, you know, at 13 years old, you know, she was told she was going to not live past 13 and she lived till 29 years old.

SPEAKER_02 47:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:13

Wow. You know, that's pretty powerful and motivational, but it gave her purpose. And she took advantage of that purpose to say, hey, listen, this is what I have, but look at how I'm living. I'm living life. I listened to the gentleman um who did the Mark uh Monarch Vest that you podcast. I listened to that podcast, and you know, that guy says, Hey, I wake up every day, man, and I'm doing something, and I do it because I know I can do it. And I don't know how long I'm going to be here on this earth, but I'm going to make the most of my experience. And that's how I look at it, too. So therefore, after she passed, I said, Um I can't imagine going through something more difficult, maybe losing a child, but really nothing more difficult. And the reality of it is that's when I said, I've got a life to live. And that's when I decided I'm going to retire early. I retired early. I bought a place down in Florida. You know, I get out and I golf a lot. I surround myself with the right people. The other day I just had all the coaches over and the four of us sat, and so we smoked cigars and had a couple beers, and we just left for five hours, and it was fantastic. So, what I do is I just make sure that I continue to live life and I enjoy life and I do the things that I want to do without having to worry about the stress of all the other things that can affect your life, like a full-time job. And I don't have that. And the reality of it is I still help out with my school district. I go and I cover principles once in a while and I do those things, but my life is my choice. My life is my control, and I love it.

SPEAKER_03 48:54

It it is beautiful because it's it you're literally taking and reminding yourself of the aspects you have control over and taking control of those. Um, and one thing I've learned from this, and you you kind of said it as well, is um it's difficult when you're inside of it. Um when it's over, you realize the significance of what you just went through and those feelings. Um, and one of the things that I I kind of connect here is um we live a life and then until the struggle, it all of a sudden gives us some meaning and it reminds us. We try to say we're grateful, but what I've learned is it's not until something like this happens that it's actually put inside of you how grateful you truly are. And these changes happen, and I think what helps is because of this pain, you're taking that pain and turning it into something positive. So constantly on a daily basis, you're reminding yourself how far you've gone. And I think being able to do that is very, very strong. And I guess what I'm saying is is not like you said, not wishing it on other people, but it these things are good to talk about, even if you don't have some of these. I I talked to a friend yesterday who was telling me about that a friend of his was just diagnosed with cancer and he's never had a death in his family. And I think one of the biggest things I told him was take that time and have those talks. Don't be afraid to address the elephant. Um and and encourage yourself to be vulnerable now because when that finish line hits and you don't have control of it, you're gonna wish you had. And at the same time, um you know, the race, we we don't know when the race is over, so it's important to um, you know, have that journey. So I guess walking into that, um how did you kind of control some of that as far as that that race aspect uh uh in you know acknowledging uh you know or helping somebody who hasn't really experienced this on kind of that insight? Does that make sense what I'm asking?

SPEAKER_01 51:26

Yeah, well, there's a couple things. Uh one is uh adversity shows true character. Yeah. And you want your character to be the best character you can be. You want to be able to help others, be selfless, not selfish. You want to be able to uh inspire, motivate others, and not everybody has that attitude, but that's my personality trait. You know, I was a coach for many years and I saw the difference that I can make in a group of kids and we can win a championship together, and how they would blend together and work together. And you took all those important characteristics of teamwork and working together and a positive attitude, and you know, taking all of those important um monikers that help you to become the best person you can be. But the other thing is too, how do you want to be remembered? Um, how do you want to be remembered? What is the legacy you want to leave behind? And I want my legacy to be a positive thing. I don't, it doesn't, you know, I my legacy if you know on my gravestone, if it says, you know, um if it says you were a good person, that's all that matters. Yeah. Um so through that, oh wow, getting a little emotional here. Um but through that the the what it does is it makes the person who's going through the challenge grow up faster. You know, you could be 20 years old and you could be diagnosed with something. It makes sure that your priorities are straight and that you grow up faster. And that's why, like my relationship with my head coach who had cancer when he was in elementary school and he lost his mother when he was a freshman in college uh to cancer. He's 20 years younger than me, yeah, but he's a peer. When we have conversations, it's a I I'm not talking to somebody 20 years younger, I'm talking to somebody who grew up a lot faster because of the adversity that he faced. And you know, and I go back to adversity shows true character, and you want your true character to be able to shine in a positive way, and as you have that true character, that's how you're going to be remembered.

SPEAKER_03 53:40

I th I think that's uh beautiful. I I that's you know, connecting that to my book, uh Loving Someone Who's Dying, I actually that's kind of where the ending is, is that she was actually living, and Margaret was actually living, and you actually said that just now too of uh she was shining. Uh her favorite color was yellow, and you guys used that color as a way to um encourage and bring light into the room. Um Brianna's favorite color was green. So, you know, those those connections were just you know, it was it was really heartfelt as I as I listened to those and listened to the parallels. But um with the color of the sunshine and being able to use that, um I want to touch into that real quick of about the power of um, you know, having something like that to kind of build off of um and and uh encourage. You had said that your um uh the hundred roses, the hundred yellow roses, and everybody wore yellow. Um it almost gave people a way to feel the person even though they weren't there, um, which is a struggle that we often have when you want to connect to somebody but they're no longer there.

SPEAKER_01 55:03

Um Margaret Margaret wanted it her, you know, she had to write her funeral, and she wrote just notes, and they were simple notes, you know, and I have those those notes today. Um, you know, just on a yellow legal pad, you know, two pages worth. And it just said, you know, the people that she wanted to uh be part of the mass, um, to have people wear yellow. She didn't want the word cancer to be mentioned. You know, she she wanted to have people um be able to laugh, you know, I guess latch onto something that was powerful. But I don't know if she even realized how powerful it ended up being. Uh, because you know, the power of yellow and the color yellow still today is something that, you know, people will show up with yellow flowers and uh people were wearing yellow, or if they see something out there, you know, there was a yellow flower out in the backyard, and I took a picture of it and I put it up on Twitter, you know, and I was like, you know, it just really is another way to connect with the person. Um, so it identifies the person, and as it identifies, yellow is a bright, beautiful color. So therefore, when you think about the person, you think about a bright, beautiful person, and that's how I see it.

SPEAKER_03 56:21

I I I think that's um it's beautiful. And the like you had said, the legacy, it's um not that people want to write their funeral, but I think that's it's something important uh if if you haven't gone through the experience to kind of you know approach that because it it I I think that just there is what helped us go through that and it you know helped you uh uh kind of acknowledge that and embrace and and you know create that quality over quantity, um you know, as opposed to uh hide the reality. Um it was more of embracing the reality.

SPEAKER_01 57:03

It's bracing, it's it's embracing it and it's also understanding it. And that you know, I even allude in the book that death is inevitable.

SPEAKER_03 57:12

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 57:12

You don't think death is going to happen at 29 years old or 51 years old. You think it would be more generational. But the reality is, as you know, I've done this more and more, and as I'm sure you have done it, you've connected with more and more people who have gone through loss at a younger age. And to me, that's out of the norm. And so, therefore, you know, what it does is it helps you to have that purpose as you move forward.

SPEAKER_03 57:35

Yep. Um, I have one more question I wanted to ask. Um, and I I ask everybody this. Um, so with Brianna's quote, uh, her legacy, like you you mentioned, uh, with with yellow and and kind of creating this legacy, she she did the same type of thing and realized that you know she wanted to create something that people could remember. So she did choose your attitude, create your life. And I I ask everybody at the end of the podcast, if if you could interpret that into your head, um, in your mind, um, and and share with the meaning to how would you hear it, or or uh if if that makes sense, bring it to life in your mind. Um how would you uh interpret that?

SPEAKER_01 58:24

Well, I think it goes back to what I said earlier, you know, you have a choice to make. You can either go one way or the other way, and it really is up to you. Uh it's not up to others. And as others try to influence with what you do in your decision making, it really comes down to who you are. And so I look at it, choosing at your attitude is all about, you know, choose the positive attitude. And and as you choose a positive attitude, that's going to help create the direction that you're going to do. So you're going to create your life. And so I look at things with a glass half full, not half empty. And I really see it as you have that choice. You can make the difference, you can make it happen.

SPEAKER_03 59:02

That's beautiful. Um, it has been a journey uh without a map. Uh, on this, uh, it's been great to have you on. Um, where can people find you? Where can they find the book? Um, and uh you actually have two other books about uh lacrosse too, but um yeah, where can they learn more about you?

SPEAKER_01 59:23

Uh just have to go to johnsardella.com and everything is there. It even has my podcast, it has in the news, it has where you can get the book at all the different sites. It's even an audio now. So um you can get a paperback Kindle audio version of it, but johnsardella.com.

SPEAKER_03 59:42

Beautiful. We'll make sure to put that in the description uh of the podcast so that way people can find you there as well. Um, John, it has been a wonderful talk. Um, I appreciate everything. It's uh thank you, Nick.

SPEAKER_01 59:55

I really appreciate it. And you are making a difference, so keep it going, brother. All right. Oh, thank you so much.

unknown 1:00:01

You're welcome.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:02

Thank you for listening. To reach out to Nick and the Choose Your Attitude community, find us on social media at Choose Attitude Create Life. Share your attitude with the world with merch guaranteed to encourage at chooseyourattitude.com. Be sure to share us with friends, family, and colleagues. And while you're at it, leave us an uplifting review. We'd very much appreciate it. Check back for new episodes. Until next time, choose your attitude, create your life.