022 : Marcie Keithley & the Shoebox of Purpose

We all have secrets. Truths that are too painful to face.

Marcie J. Keithley, Author of "The Shoebox Effect: Transforming Pain into Fortitude and Purpose," knows this all too well as she, herself, attempted to put all of her past worries into a proverbial (and literal!) shoebox. Just waiting for the time when she would have the strength to examine and process them.

The reality, though, is that the only way to move forward in life is to face your past head on.

Her book chronicles her journey of opening her "shoebox" and learning how to navigate loss, grief, divorce, death, adoption, and all of life's adversities, and transform them into fortitude and purpose.

An accomplished professional, speaker, writer, and emotional resilience coach, Marcie is amazing guest to have on any podcast. Full of hope, even in the face of challenge.

She has made it her life's mission to be open and honest with her personal story, in hoping to give others the permission release their own pain that they carry, and move forward with purpose.

Here's our chat. 

Marcie Keithly
https://marciejkeithley.com/ 
@TheShoeBoxEffect

Poem Referenced in Podcast:
Choices
By Marcie J. Keithley

If you were given a second chance
To step back into time
And change a wrong and make it right
I wonder what you’d find.

For God has chosen a special path
For all of us you see.
Would you correct the mistakes you made?
Or would you let them lbe?

As I look back on my own life
The choices that I made
Were ones that help me grow up strong
None were made in vain.

Regardless whether wrong or right
Each one helped me to see
That only when we fail to choose
Our lives can never be.

You have a choice to start each day
With happiness and joy.
Or you could choose to stay in bed
Depressed, removed and void.

You have a choice to share your life
With friends and family.
Or hide away within yourself
And miss your destiny.

You have a choice to take a chance
Or let it walk on by.
But you will never  taste success
Unless you reach and try.

For failures teach us many things
And are not meant to be.
A way to give up on a dream
And hand away the key.

So when you choose, choose carefully
And look within your heart..
For only when we fail to choose
Our lives can never start.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Choose Your Attitude Podcast. I'm Nicola Strand, founder and CEO. I am so excited to be here today. We're broadcasting on YouTube and all major podcast platforms. Make sure to subscribe to us on YouTube channel and wherever you're listening, like us, leave a comment, a review. Always, we love to hear what you guys have to say. It means the world to us. Today's show, I'm so excited to have the author of the shoebox effect and the creator of the National Association of Adoptees and Parents. Her name is Marcy Keithley. She, through a personal experience of an actual shoebox, opened her life up of some of the heavy pain in her life and learned how to overcome and manage and go through those emotions. She learns self-awareness and using her story of an adoption experience and bringing it into light of how we can better ourselves and our lives through the many trials and tribulations we go through in life. It's a beautiful story, and I hope that you enjoy this interview, and I challenge you to listen, to understand, and to be able to feel comfortable that you are not alone. So please listen to this podcast, but first let's hear from our sponsors. This podcast is made possible by viewers like you and your continuous support, and of course, our sponsors. This episode is brought to you by the Choose Your Attitude brand. A premium encouragement brand. Choose your attitude is a community that champions the idea that attitude is a choice within everyone's grasp. A brand isn't good without a logo, and boy, does choose your attitude have a meaning. Turn it on its side, it's an hourglass for time. Two hearts for community. The one on the left is your past, while the one on the right is your future, lifting up your past. And of course, the butterfly effect. Although we can't control the trials and tribulations we go through, we do control how we approach them with the power of choice of our attitude. Choose your attitude is a premium encouragement brand that offers men's and women's apparel and accessories. Lots of selections and continue continuingly to add more. Use podcast 20 and get 20% off your first order just for our podcast listeners. Again, that's podcast20. Add that as a discount code to the website and get 20% off your first order. That's right. Shop now at chooseyourattitude.com. That's chooseyourattitude.com. If you would like to be a sponsor on the Choose Your Attitude Podcast, email us at podcast at chooseyourattitude.com. Again, that's podcast at chooseyourattitude.com. Now let's get started. Roll that intro.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

Let's step back a little. Take a look inside our true self. Get comfortable in the uncomfortable. And let's embrace our reality. Life is tough, but so are you. Welcome to the Choose Your Attitude Podcast with Nicholas Strand. Join Nick, author of Loving Someone Who's Dying, as he shares his experiences of life loss to life on the road as a traveling roadie. He and his guests will get into real topics while encouraging you to let go of the past, lift up the present, and fiercely build your better tomorrow. Let's get through this together. Now, here's your host, Nick Strand.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

Welcome to the Choose Your Attitude Podcast. I am super excited to have Marcy Keithly here. Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

Thank you, Nick. I'm really honored to be here.

SPEAKER_00 3:47

It's super exciting. You wrote a book called Shoebox Effect, and you have an amazing story. Let's start with that. Can you kind of uh share your story with the audience?

SPEAKER_01 4:01

Certainly. My story begins actually in the fall of 2007. I was at a crossroads in my life at that particular time. I wasn't quite aware of it, but because I was living the American dream. I had the perfect job and finance. I was pulling in a six-figure salary. I had the Lexus in the driveway, the golden retriever family dog, the perfect dog. I was in a my marriage was uh 17 years old. So to the outside world, everything looked perfect. Uh, but on the inside, not so good. Um, and as I've shared with you, I was coming to a crossroads. Actually, my marriage was failing, and I knew I needed to sign the divorce papers that had been lying there, and I couldn't do it. My dog had cancer and needed to put down and I couldn't do it. Because you see, Nick, I had become the master of denial my whole life. I knew how to play that game, and I knew how I could shelter my pain by just ignoring things and putting them off in my denial. But the universe has a way of saying it's time. And I came home from work one day and was looking for my dog and couldn't find him anywhere. And there was only one room in the house that he could not go into, and that was my bedroom. And I found him burrowed in my closet, and he had knocked over all these boxes of shoes, and in there lay one box that I had made in 1978, was laying there on its side. And so, as my poor dying dogs burrowed in my closet, I sat down with him and realized that that box, the universe was telling me that, you know, that's how I interpreted it, is it was time to go back to my past and resolve some old wounds that I had been carrying around my whole life. That's where my story opens. And yeah, it's uh it was a it's a real moment in the closet when you're faced with the ghosts of your past and the reality that you have to take action. And fear is normally what holds us back when we don't take action, right? It's the fear of the unknown. But it takes me a while, it takes me a long while from that box to actually opening it. You would think, what is what's why are you so scared of a little box? But in the story, of course, you you find out. But inside the box, I had some articles, uh, I had a book, I had some other things that I made the day after I came home from the hospital without a baby. And it was my way of healing myself. And I had put some articles in there and I had surrendered my baby to adoption in 1978. And on that fateful day, with no counseling, with no therapist, with no family support, I decided I was going to house my pain. And I ended up writing a poem to my daughter, putting it inside there, uh, a book that I had received, the prophet, uh, from an orderly, and some pictures. And I threw it in the top of my closet and threw sweaters on top of it and thought I had contained my demon. But as you can see, here we are 30 years later, that came forward. Because we can never run from our past. And that's something that I learned is you can you you might outrun it for a little bit, but eventually it's going to rear its ugly head in your present day life, in your business life, and your professional life. You can't you can't stay, they can't stay hidden forever. You app you know, you absolutely have to face those demons down, and that's what I did.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

I I you know it's it's tough because as you said, we all've got a journey, we've all got a struggle going through, and that's you know, one of our biggest challenges is is to go through these these journeys and and these struggles and be able to learn the new relationship. Um what were some of the first steps that you took when when you actually you know kind of came to this realization um in the in the processing of you know moving forward?

SPEAKER_01 8:30

Well, as I shared with you earlier, the opening the box was the first thing. It was, you know, I expected demons to come running out of the box and my hair, you know, flying in the wind, and you know, all this incredible pain. Uh it takes me a while, but eventually, it was about a week, I made the just the decision to put my dog down, and I knew that I was headed in that direction. So I opened up the box, and of course, none of those things happened. But it I sat there that evening and it just took me back to the 70s, and I started to reliving some of those those memories and some of those pain, that some of the pain, and trying to remember that young girl, you know, the young girl who was you know, raring to go and ready for life, um, and all the challenges and the excitement that lay ahead. So I was in search of her that evening, and what I realized is I needed to find her, and I had to get answers. But in my mind, the only way to get to her was to get to him. And he was my first love, and he walked out on us. Um and but I eventually find him and that gate and we get married four months later, after 30 years, and we go on a search for our daughter, and we find her on Father's Day. Oh wow in five hours. So we were located, we were connected uh by a search angel in Arizona that just happened to read. I had been on her blog, it's adoption database.org, and I had left a little bit of uh details about the situation, about about my story, and she thought it was fascinating. And my daughter was in a registry, and that's how we got connected. But you'll you learn all those things in the book, and I didn't even know anything about a registry. But she had been looking for me for over ten years and couldn't find me because the records are closed.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

Oh wow. I I gotta so the I mean adoption is huge, and and to find your daughter with uh, you know your partner, I I that's big to begin with. But I won I want to move back to uh, you know, uh you processing again. Um when you did that, what was was it all I mean it it's heavy, but did you feel a sense of you know worth a a sense of happiness um as you went through it? Even though, I mean, don't get me wrong, I I get it, it was sad. But at the same time, you know, did did you see the light as you started to, you know, process and uh feel um all that weight that kind of had been put in the shoebox and and left for a bit?

SPEAKER_01 11:23

It's a just a it's an excellent question, because and it's it's very layered because I'm a very strong woman and I just believed that if I could just find them, it would all be okay. But to your point, all those emotions came out. All all of a sudden, I wasn't the 52-year-old. I was the young girl. All of a sudden, he wasn't, you know, his age, you know, he was the the the young boy that I fell in love with, and our daughter was a baby. And the the scene, and I described this uh in great detail, is just as I started to process this, I didn't realize that. But when she came to into Indiana that first evening, she was very familiar with me and laid her head on my lap and kept stroking my face, looking at me, saying, You're my mother. You are my mother. And that's when those feelings started to come in. And I the room was crowded. It was the you know, the younger versions of herself with the older, you know, with our our current selves, and trying to trying to deal with all that, all the loss from all the decades. So you're right. We had to immediately, we found that it wasn't enough to be together. That that wasn't it wasn't enough. And we needed help, we needed counseling, we needed to find our way back to one another and how we were going to blend our family. Um, but we denied a lot of we had to, it took us a while to to to realize that because we were just overjoyed in that what they call the honeymoon period. To process those emotions, it took me 10 years to not only get through all of this and write the book, because as I was journaling and and dabbling with writing a book, I had to go through each one of those. And it took me back. And what happens is as you're writing too, and you're processing those emotions that that you think that you can handle, it pulls you back to your inner child, and you've got to address those wounds. And I wasn't ready for that. That just took me into another another space, and I I because I it took me back to my own abandonment of five years old, and I hadn't realized that false belief system that I had created as a child. So I had to work through that. You know, it it was a lot. It would it would it took a lot.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

It it's uh it's a great analogy in the in the fact of you know that life is tough. We're all going through that struggle or through a struggle, um, and and putting it all in a shoebox and setting it aside um and then opening it up later is is just more uh uh weight to where you currently stand. And so you know, the ability to process as we go along is is so helpful. Now, mind you, sometimes, you know, there was you know, maybe there was fate in in the sense that there were some lessons, you know, that you were going through that we didn't realize, you know, that uh to get you to this moment. Um but uh the the meaning and and the the the power of um always processing no matter how heavy it is, you know, that that weight or that that struggle is is so huge in this message um and and the power of uh you know, as I say sometimes, learning to become comfortable in the uncomfortable um and you know uh embracing the reality we live in um and and you know always keeping that shoebox open as opposed to you know closed. Um and and that that's huge. Now let's jump ahead to the a little bit more of the exciting stuff, should I say? You know, here here you are ten ten years you know further, you know, processing and having to not only deal with where you stand now as a human, but at the same time, you know, the the the baggage or or the shoebox weight uh from the past. Um can you talk us through a little bit of that and and you know the progression and um you know what it's kind of developed?

SPEAKER_01 15:47

Um certainly. Um there's so many things that I uncovered when I stepped out and openly said I surrendered a child for adoption in 1978. Of course, um we had a little bit of news coverage. It it it was front page news, which I didn't see that coming at all, which started the whole thing with family going, why why are you doing this? You know, the family was just very concerned about it because they were still living in this decade of of shame. Um but we we just I I I just knew that there had to be a reason for finding the shoebox and um you know releasing my pain and and going through what I did. Um and what happens is I eventually when I find out the truth of my the whole the whole truth of my daughter's story, I find out that the reason that she couldn't find me was, you know, again, because of the closed records, and I was like, well, we're all adults, I mean nobody's a child anymore. I don't understand that. But it's a it's a state-by-state law, and because my daughter couldn't find me, she had as a result, she had a stroke uh because there were some medical issues that uh that medical information didn't get passed down to the adoptive parents, she wasn't treated properly, and as a result of that, she had a stroke. So it angered me, and I wrote my state senator and I thought, well, if I'm a mom who surrendered and I didn't know this, what does the average person think about this? So I wrote my state senator about getting a bill on the floor to open the records for the state of Indiana, and I partnered up with a gal in Bloomington who was an adoptee who wanted to do the same thing. And we um lobbied for nine years and it took us that long, but we finally were able to get a bill passed. It's not a perfect bill by any means, but we got a bill passed. So if you were born between 41 and 93, 1993, you can now go and get your original birth certificate, your health information, and you can know who you are. So we had formed um a not-for-profit. Um, this one is an educational organization, and I started networking in the adoption community, and it was there that I found my footing and my grounding and my purpose. And I knew there were so many lost people who were hurting, and we've all come together, and through these years now, we've we've just recently gone national and in January. It's called the National Association of Adoptees and Parents. And we talk about all things pertaining to the adoption constellation, whether it be she always has to get in the get on to, yeah, you just always have to come on board, don't you? Um we um hold an annual conference in Indianapolis, which is going to be held in the fall. We have keynote speakers, you know, the top keynote speakers, um workshops, we have 14 workshops, we do plays, movies, um, we do support groups, uh, we have an adoption happy hour every Friday night that I host, and we talk to people all over the world. Um it's just been it's just been an amazing thing. And so throughout all of this, as as I share with you, it is just it's just been amazing to connect to other moms who who lost children, and some of those have lost children forcibly, um, that they can they can also be participate in this conference. So it's just it's been a real a true blessing.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

So you you take you take this uh weight of um you know as a young woman having to adopt uh a child, um kind of living through, you know, life to uncover the pain, but then uh taking it all into turning it into something better. Um I I I think that's magical to be able to, you know, replace that pain with something positive. And when I say positive, I I don't so so much mean happy sad. I I mean more in the sense of uh you know to help others and to create change and to create education, you know, uh on that struggle. Um I I gotta ask kind of a little bit back, you know, that that that pain of hiding it, do you feel that was that was fear um of you know it not being accepted of of your personal inner uh you know feeling towards your daughter? Or I I just have to ask a little bit about that itself.

SPEAKER_01 20:45

You you mean when I made the decision to surrender back?

SPEAKER_00 20:49

Yeah, the um, you know, uh as we all we're we're all challenged uh when we have these traumas or or these struggles that we go through and we avoid them due to sometimes a fear or you know, and so I'm just trying to kind of pinpoint that a little bit to kind of understand um, you know how sometimes people uh we all have a fear of some sort that that challenges that the decision to surrender is based on the times, and in the times, if you were unwed, you got married.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

If you didn't, um a lot of girls went to uh homes for unwed mothers to give birth to their children. But it was shame. I mean, shame was real back then. It was real, and shame was you know, I was told don't come home, don't come home. I was not I was not allowed to attend my sister's wedding. Um, you know, there there was a lot of just a lot of shame where that was concerned. And it wasn't it wasn't well, I guess I was scared, obviously, because I was alone, but it was more shame than anything. Um but you know. Fast forward the decision to find her. I mean, I've always was of the belief that because I wasn't found, she didn't want to be found and she was living this amazing life that I was promised. Well, as you find out in the book, that is far from the truth. There is a, it's just it was it was horrible, but I discovered. Um, but so I never looked. I didn't want to, I you know, I had accepted the decision that I had made, whether it was coerced or not, because you're you um I also discovered that my own doctor who solicited me for the adoption sold my daughter to a couple he went to college with. And they should not have been parents. So it was a lot for all of us when we f we we uncover these truths uh to deal with. Uh did that answer your question?

SPEAKER_00 22:48

Yeah, I I it's you know, it one of the things I'm finding as I interview people and and listen to the journey and such is it's interesting how much society suppresses us uh into feeling this way and almost creating that that mental struggle. And so that's why I was kind of digging. I wanted to feel um you know, a sense of you know where that was coming from, and and and in a sense there was a message behind it that I was I was getting to, and and it was exactly that that um you know by all means what you went through in the fact of you know you had a child but struggled to manage that child, that in itself was normal, but it society suppressed it to make it not normal and made it a challenge that you know you're you're now trying to catch up with, which is is difficult and which is actually very beautiful because now you have an organization that's doing the exact opposite and trying to make it normal and help people feel normal so that way both the child and you know the family, so that way, you know, we can we can try to fix that. And I I I think that's um you know pretty beautiful. Is in your organization outside of those programs, is there a certain audience that you focus to outside, so it's you know, is it the child of adoption, uh the parents who adopted or or adoption parents?

SPEAKER_01 24:18

Um we um again the the name says it all, it's and we didn't we didn't use a qualifier, so parents can mean birth parents, it can mean adoptive parents. You know, our happy hour that we have on Friday night is all about elevating the voices of all those that have been affected because we've all been affected, it's centralized and on the adoptee. It should be all about the adoptee, the one who had no choice in all of this. Uh, but we all have these stories, and um, you know, they're all they're all shared on Friday nights from all walks of life. Um, but getting back to you what you originally said, too. Uh I wanted to mention that, you know, back in the day we were told to move on with our lives. Forget it ever happened, pretend you never gave birth. We were suppressed, and we're told to be quiet and compliant. And sign here, give us your child. It was just that black and white. You'll never know nothing, uh, don't ask any questions. And so as a young girl, I even remember rehearsing saying, I only, you know, eventually, you know, of course I have another daughter, but saying I only had one child of lying to the doctor when I went in for a physical. How many children did you give birth to? One. You know, not it just, you know, you're a young man and I'm 66 years old, and we the times back then were just totally, totally different. If we use the the knowledge and the mindset that we have today, and we look back and we go, oh, how could you do that? or it's not a big deal. So, so you were pregnant. No, no, no, no, no. Totally different back then. So, you know, for me, what I found out today, I mean, there's just there's so much loss, and and my book really is generally about loss. It's not all about adoption, it's about loss, um, loss of self. Um, I experienced a lot of immediate family member deaths that we we talk about. I uncover other family secrets, um, that my mother had a shoebox, that my sister had a shoebox. And we uncover and unearth all these secrets and losses and regrets, and it all comes full circle, it all comes out, and all this healing takes place because of one moment in a shoebox. I am freed of that, my past. I've accepted and owned my my decisions, and I've decided to, you know, I adopt that attitude of helping others and and sharing that message. My mother, who who is, well, she just recently passed away, was 92 years old. There's a resolution there with my mother. Uh, my older sister, you learn about with her shoebox. There's a huge twist in all of this that is just amazing. But we all come to this place of of healing, forgiveness, acceptance, and now we're using all of that, and we want to we want to help others. That's what that's what our organization does.

SPEAKER_00 27:42

It's uh it's a powerful thing to help others, and it it it definitely that in itself, I think, is is so healing uh for myself, anyways, is to to be able to provide to others to help them in their journey. Um and you know, to you know, like you said, self-awareness um is you know very difficult. We get lost sometimes, um, and to find that inner core is is huge. Um you know, outside of you know, I guess self and you know those struggles, you know, what what would you say to others that are going through a life struggle that you know maybe aren't comfortable or as developed, you know, as as you've become, you know, in in these struggles, you know, what would you say to them to help them get through it and to you know feel accepted, I guess, and in the challenge they're facing.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

Yeah, there is a process to um opening your shoebox. And we again we all have them, whether they're physical or not, they could be spiritual or emotional. Um, you know, in my case, I had obviously I had a physical one. But the first thing is really is acknowledging. Acknowledgement is the key component to starting. And and journaling, just if you're not strong enough at that point to ask for help, or you have you're close enough to someone that you can go to that person and and and and talk with them, start to write, start to journal your feelings exactly how you feel. Uh, that's that's the number one thing, I think. And you know, write it down. How do you feel? How are you hurting? Why are you hurting? Who hurt you? Uh start to just identify those components of what's happened to you initially, and be kind to yourself and give yourself grace because it's very, very difficult to go back and visit your inner child without support. Um I did therapy. Um, I did coaching because there's a difference between coaching and therapy. Um, I saw I did them both, and I continued to journal because you know you're there's never a point when you're here healed from your past. You're a work in progress, but you do get to this point where you do have freedom from it. But you have to start somewhere. And, you know, I'm not a therapist and I'm not a counselor. I just want to share my story because I know the peace and the freedom that it gave me. I want others to, you know, maybe, you know, adoption, I guess you can put adoption totally to the side, and you can listen to the story or read the book or whatever. You're going to identify with my story. Um at the end of each chapter, I and I realized, let me back up a second. My book is written, was written initially as a memoir. And when it got to the editing phase, my editor said, Oh, you can't, you can't just write this as a memoir. And I said, Why not? And they said, It's chopped full of life lessons. So you're going to reach a broader audience. And we got to talking about it. I thought, you know, she's right. I mean, there's just so much there. So together, at the we came up with at the end of each chapter, the highlight of that chapter is a life lesson, and it has little like points to ponder. So it's written for you, Nick. The book's written for you. I'm sharing my story, but I'm speaking to you. And as you read, you will identify with something in your past. It will go, wait a minute, I forgot about that, or I really do need to deal with that, or oh my gosh, I never thought about X, Y, and Z. So, like I said, it's it's not, it's a hybrid of memoir and self-help to give you that courage to face down your fears. But it takes work. But there's so much power in the pain when you go there and you sit in it with all those broken pieces, and you start to, you know, sift through your mess, there's there's golden nuggets in it. There's just all there always is. But we are so, we, you know, our attitude has a lot to do with it because we can claim to be that victim and go, oh, whoa was me, and I I'm, you know, look what happened to me. Or you can go, wait a minute, this happened to me. There's a there's a lesson, and you have to look for it, and it's there. And then when you realize that, then it's like this light bulb goes off, and you want to share that message. You mean you can't contain it. It's like it's life-changing. And if I can live through something like that, well, Nick can or or you know, someone else. I mean, I've experienced so much grief with loss of family members. We've had 10 deaths in five years. I've lost two sets of parents, two sisters, I mean, and three people just in the last three months. How do how does one get past that? How do you grieve? I multiple losses.

SPEAKER_00 33:31

It's it's a lot, especially, you know, as as the uh um as it adds up, you know, that there's there's a lot that happens. And I think what what I heard you say, if I was to wrap it up into one, and I was actually writing it down as as you were saying both, but it's literally taking the exact same thing. Nothing changes in what happened, but it's literally your mind frame, and it's changing that regret into a lesson. So taking, you know, that that that just a mind frame of not looking at it as a regret, but looking at it as, okay, well, how can I learn from this so it doesn't happen again? Or or how can I learn from this so that way I can I can develop my thinking, I can develop um, you know, uh a future to be able to really to learn the relationship with that past, um, and and you know, introduce the lesson as opposed to it as a regret. And um, you know, it's kind of like with friends, I guess, you know, you some friends, I guess, are or let's use colors. You know, certain colors have a certain mood, uh, other colors have a you know a positive mood. Um, but it's literally trying to take and and take that and do the same thing and and redevelop your frame of thinking for that one thing. And uh, you know, that that light brings out um I I will have to say I I felt the same thing after Brianna and my mom died, you know, um and after writing the book and starting this, that same thing of you know, all that weight and turning it into something positive that I can give, you know, um and and learn from. Um, you know I have to ask, today as you stand here, um do you feel that the processing is over? Do you feel like you're now moving forward? Like uh or do you feel like you're it it's a constant thing that you're always uh you know developing and understanding and and you know continuing to educate yourself or um you know experience the challenge?

SPEAKER_01 35:43

Yeah, you're constantly processing, you're constantly moving forward, but you have like like I said, you you have a point where you reach this level of peace and you you choose better. Um but it it is it's it's not a destination, it is a journey, and it's it's a work in progress. But um, you know, I have to remind myself often, you know, again, it goes back to the same thing. I mean, there the pain and loss are inevitable. We are all going to face those. How we choose to process that is up to us. We have control over that. And I just I choose to to move forward. I'm a I'm a I can consider myself a lifetime learner. I don't think you know you have to be a lifetime learner of life, period. I mean, you just have to be. And I believe that our stories are some of the greatest assets and gifts that we have. And I'm not not everybody writes a book, or not everybody wants to do public speaking uh uh about their message, and that's okay. Uh just sharing it, uh, your story over a cup of tea. You don't know the ripple effect of when someone hears your story, where that leads, how that changes a person, how that moves them a little bit closer to that peace and freedom that I that I speak about. We don't know that. And we do the universe a disservice if we keep it inside of us. So I feel that, like I said, stories, our voices are just crucial to helping others.

SPEAKER_00 37:28

I I I feel the exact same, and it's it's a it's an energy that's um, you know, it's inspiring for self when you feel that energy to to keep going. I I gotta ask, do you feel that your processing of of this one big you know weight in your life has also equipped you with the knowledge to help you with all the other challenges in your life?

SPEAKER_01 37:55

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Because it gives you um a new level of courage.

unknown 38:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:03

Do you do you feel in a sense that um you know what you feared before, in a sense you now look at very comfortably to acknowledge and process?

SPEAKER_01 38:18

I would I would say so. Um, you know, there's always gonna be sadness about the past, uh, about your losses, and that's okay.

unknown 38:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:29

And it's okay to have those those grief bursts. And I I a lot of times, Nick, I'll pick a time, I'll go, well, I just need to sit and think about the loss of my mother, which was so so huge, and play the sad music and go in a room by myself and cry or write, or or whatever it is, and and talk to her, and then okay, I I'm okay, I'm done. To the next time. And it's okay.

SPEAKER_00 39:07

I do the exact same thing. It's it um you have those moments where you just you need to feel, you need to break those walls down and learn to, you know, uh that relationship with those emotions for sure.

SPEAKER_01 39:20

And you know, grief, grief, uh something I'm learning more and more about grief is just with the the amount of losses that I've had in my family, each one is unique, and that because of that relationship. I mean, the death of a a parent is def different from the death of a spouse, or I just lost my ex-husband. He he just died two weeks ago. I just lost my sister last week, my younger sister. And with each loss, some of the feelings are the same, but they're layered and they're they're unique, and we have to process that those losses differently.

SPEAKER_00 40:06

It's um yes, um but it's learning those emotions and and feeling comfortable with those to do that, and I think that's it's it's it's a beautiful journey as difficult it is, and you know, kind of coming back to a full circle again is it's normal and it's okay.

SPEAKER_01 40:26

And you know, the thing of it is with our emotions, you know, again, you you go to the doctor when you're sick, you go to the the dentist when you need a tooth pulled. What about our emotional house? What what are we doing with it? What is the big deal about showing emotion and really feeling it? And it needs to be, it doesn't always need to be private. A lot of times, you know, grief is meant for the community. It's meant to be experienced by a community, not by yourself. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:08

Uh it it just like happiness, um, that energy is is important to share with others, but also reciprocated when you go through that. Um, and I agree, it's if there was a lesson, a big challenge that I've learned in this whole mission is exactly everything you just said is it's it's very amazing how naive we become because of that social suppression of emotions. And it's the most fundamental core-hearted thing that humans deal with and go through, and it's one of the biggest forms of communication and and relationships, and um, you know, that's I you know that's a whole nother thing that being able to do that helps us, um, because you know, I don't know how many times, you know, you you try to talk to somebody, but you suppress saying what needs to be said but over that emotion, um, and it, you know, those emotions are real and you gotta process it. And um, I think that's that's huge. It's a great lesson that your story has has shared, and um, I love that. I w I want to circle back to uh your uh uh the association that you've created for adoptees and parents. Um I I see that not only is it a platform to connect and to share with others, but you guys also have resources uh to help um and and you know, I I don't want to use the word test um bit, but at the same time, uh, you know, to to you know see the connection or or you know uh those type of things. Um can you share a little bit about that?

SPEAKER_01 42:58

Yeah, there are our website is napunited.org. So that's nAApunited.org. It is resource heavy. And you'll you'll see when you visit our website, uh the adoptee comes first, so there's all kinds of resources there for if you're adopted, if you're um a birth parent, or if you're an adoptive parent. Uh, we also have some recommend recommendations for books. There's um movies, plays. We have a list of recommended adoption competent therapists, and that's important because not every therapist is adoption competent, uh, because adoption, there's a just a toe, it's like an onion. I mean, there's just layer upon layer of um of emotions and uh situations that are are unique in adopting. The adoption world. So that's another thing that our organization is doing. We're working towards uh expanding those therapists. Where they're they're doing some additional training. We're going to have a like a directory where people can go in different states if they're looking for that particular type of help. We have bi-monthly calls for those adoptees that are that are suffering from that are in recovery from addiction. So we do those, like I said, bi-monthly. We have a support group for reunion. We have a universal calendar that not only shows you all the things that we're doing in our organization, but we collaborate with other organizations. So we we post their support groups, conferences, uh whatever is going on with the other organizations as well. So yeah, it's very heavy, you know, resource heavy. And if we don't know the answer, we'll we'll find it for you. But we wanted something to where those individuals that maybe, again, like we were talking earlier, maybe they don't even have they don't have the courage to step up or they even know that there's all these resources available for adults. We we want them to know. And then we do also have a kids corner that that where we're we have just it's on the ground level right now, but we're developing for helping adoptive parents who um you know who have a small child. And actually, I wanted to show you this. We have a little, we wrote a little book.

SPEAKER_00 45:43

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_01 45:43

It's called For Adoptive Parents that they can read to their child their child, and it's meant to initiate dialogue about adoption and some of those tough questions. And um, so we're good, we're going to be doing a series of these with different topics, but we like this little guy, he's kind of like our our friendly mascot. But um yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:09

I see that you you guys also not only uh help those that are within, but also those that are searching um to create a reunion as well. Um, so if they're looking for their lost connection andor to reunite.

unknown 46:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 46:26

Can you tell us about that?

SPEAKER_01 46:27

Yes, um, we do have some resources where we can connect you with a search angel. Um, we also have a relationship with uh DNA experts, so we can help you to um because that can be very confusing when you get your DNA and how to read all of that. So um we have uh experts that can help uh someone with their their DNA. Um yeah, there's there's all kinds of resources there for those in search. If they, you know, education is very important when you begin your search and you shouldn't do it alone like I did. Uh that was the biggest mistake that I made, was that you really do there's a there's a preparation that that that needs to be done prior to a search, and there's so many tools out there that we can assist you with and prepare you and give you that needed support that you need before you even step uh make that first connection.

SPEAKER_00 47:24

So I love that. I um it it's it's amazing to see this journey. Um and I love it's so inspiring to see somebody take, you know, uh a struggle in their life, something that you know at that moment was was a tough battle, and turn it into something to help others uh you know go through that because you know it's not that we want to go through it again, but it's always great to be able to have those resources that we didn't have when we went through it and and share that with others. And I love that you've you've taken that energy. Not only has it taught you more about yourself, but it's also helped um you know the community around you, and and by golly, there's no better feeling than to help others. And um, you know, I I love that. I I gotta ask, is there anything else that's on your mind that you know we haven't touched that you know you you maybe want to uh you know share um before we go to the last question?

SPEAKER_01 48:23

Um you know, there's just one really one big point I would like to make. I look back on my life right now in the last 10, 12 years, and all these incredible people that I've met and organizations and other events that I participated in, and finding my first love, finding my daughter, finding I have grandchildren, the healing that went took place with my mother and I, the uncovering of secrets, all from one moment in a closet with a tip over of a shoe box, an old shoebox. I can't say enough about that. I it just I look back on my life and go, all because of that, this is where I am today. All these new friendships and this this peace that I never thought I would be able to find. It's just it blows my mind.

SPEAKER_00 49:28

It's it's very poetic in the fact of you know, you hear everybody say, you know, you gotta you gotta expose the elephant in the room, or you know, don't you know take it from out of the bed, or you know, those type of things, and you know, the shoebox is uh, you know, uh uh for it to literally happen and and be it, you know, that for sure that's um definitely something uh uh inspiring. So the shoebox effect. Uh you talk about it as as something that you've gone through, but it there there's an actual meaning behind it uh outside of your personal connection.

SPEAKER_01 50:07

Yes, the shoebox effect is a real thing, and actually I knew it about it, I knew about it in my financial career. That's where I learned about it when I set was studying for my insurance exam. But it's back in the day, like the the 90s particularly, where insurance companies, what what happened is you would go to the doctor and you would pay for your your service, and you would keep your receipt, and at the you know, you at the end of the year you would take your receipts and turn them in and you would get reimbursed for what was out of pocket. Well, what a lot of people would do is they would take all these receipts and they would put them away until the end of the year. Most people put them in a shoebox. So what would happen is they'd stick them in a shoebox, they'd totally forget about them, and then the insurance companies, you know, they never had to reimburse. So they made millions, millions of dollars because of all these unprocessed claims. Well, I use that analogy because that's what we do in our everyday lives as humans. Those beautiful moments, those happy times, we take pictures and we keep little momentums from uh mementos from happy events. But what about the painful ones? What about the ones that cause us great, great pain? Well, we want to metaphorically throw them someplace and you know, like me, I just made a shoebox and and put them there thinking that I could house my pain. But those shoeboxes eventually are going to get kicked off the shelves because you can't contain your pain. You can't deny what's happened to you or what you've experienced because there's a payday. So the shoebox effect, like I said, it's it's real. I've experienced it, I've opened my box, I've dealt with those things, and I want to help others.

SPEAKER_00 52:11

I love it. Um, I gotta ask, so part of you know, choose your attitude, it was it was developed or or created off of the inspiration of my wife uh who passed from cystic fibrosis. She created the quote, choose your attitude, create your life. And so as a way to end the podcast with everybody, I love to kind of reach out and and ask, um, you know, if if by hearing that, um, how would you interpret that out loud to people um and and you know, in connection with you know the things that you've gone through in your life and such. Um, but yeah, how would you interpret that to others for choose you to create your life?

SPEAKER_01 52:49

You know, I I think I can interpret it by reading a poem that I wrote. Could I do that?

SPEAKER_00 52:56

Sure. Go for it.

SPEAKER_01 52:58

Um, I think this kind of sums it up. And it's called Choices. If you were given a second chance to step back into time and change a wrong and make it right, I wonder what you'd find. For God has chosen a special path for all of us, you see. Would you correct the mistakes you made or would you let them be? As I look back on my own life, the choices that I made were ones that helped me grow up strong. None were made in vain. Regardless whether wrong or right, each one helped me to see that only when we fail to choose, our lives can never be. You have a choice to start each day with happiness and joy, or you could choose to stay in bed depressed, removed, and void. You have a chance. You have a choice to share your life with friends and family, or hide away within yourself and miss your destiny. You have a choice to take a chance or let it walk on by, but you will never take you will never taste success until you reach and try. For failures teach us many things and are not meant to be a way to give up on a dream and hand away the key. So when you choose, choose carefully and look within your heart. For only when we fail to choose, your life can never start. And I feel that that kind of wraps it up because we again we have control over our attitude, and we can just stay right where we are, a victim, broken, lost, angry, depressed, whatever it is, or we can say no more. I choose happiness, I choose wellness, I choose to share my message, whatever it is, you do have control of that. And it just takes that one that first step.

SPEAKER_00 54:57

I love that. It's um it's a beautiful poem. And uh I'm gonna I'm gonna see if I can get a copy of that and we'll put it in the description so people can actually uh you know see it as well, um and add uh, you know, a little bit of layer to that. Um that's a beautiful way to uh you know describe that question. Um so I I love that. Um where can people find you? Um we'll I'll make sure to put this in the description, but as a way to say it in audio-verbal way, um where can people find you?

SPEAKER_01 55:31

You can find me on Facebook, uh Marcy Keithly. I also have an author page, and I think you'll probably have to go to the author page because I think I'm right at 5,000 followers. I'm also on Twitter uh and Instagram as the Shoebox Effect.

SPEAKER_00 55:50

I love it. Well, thank you so much for being on. Um it I love your story, and uh it's so great to have this connection. Um, Marcy, thank you for being on. Um we will uh welcome. Appreciate it.

SPEAKER_02 56:06

Thank you for listening. To reach out to Nick and the Choose Your Attitude community, find us on social media at Choose Attitude Create Life. Share your attitude with the world with merch guaranteed to encourage at chooseyourattitude.com. Be sure to share us with friends, family, and colleagues. And while you're at it, leave us an uplifting review. We'd very much appreciate it. Check back for new episodes. Until next time, choose your attitude, create your life.